Old Bridesmaids

I may be a narcissist, but I can also accept the fact that I'm old. My 20's are a distant memory, and I don't believe I ever was a teenager. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but I can tell you this: I'm too damned old to be a bridesmaid. And yet...in a few months' time, I will be one.

WHAT, you ask, is "too old" to be a bridesmaid?

There are a few factors, any one of which could easily disqualify a woman from bridesmaidhood, but when you put them all together - as is the case with me - well, let's just say I'm too damned old to be a bridesmaid. (I know I said that already. It's my blog.)

1. Over 30: If you're over 30, your body isn't what it used to be...Hollywood starlets are the exception. If you're over 30, you just look SAD in a matching line of women. If you're over 30, you SHOULD NOT BE A BRIDESMAID.
2. Married: If you're married, the best you should shoot for is Matron of Honor...and even then, only for immediate family. If you're wearing a bridesmaid dress and a wedding ring, you basically just look like an idiot. Period. If you're married, you SHOULD NOT BE A BRIDESMAID.
   
3. ...With Kids: If you have kids, your bridesmaid heyday was a million years ago. Kids warp your body. Kids need to be attended to, particularly if they, too, will be attending the wedding. Mom is needed elsewhere. If you have kids, you SHOULD NOT BE A BRIDESMAID.
4. You weigh more than your minimum acceptable BMI: If you have a body that is less attractive than you'd like - I realize that's most of us, but for an over-30 married mommy, trust me, it's so much worse - and knowing you will inevitably be stuck in a dress that does not flatter your figure (it's strapless and you have upper arm fat, it's short and you have the cankles from hell, it's tight and just screams I'M A PEAR when you put it on), accepting the invitation to be a bridesmaid is asinine. If your BMI is anywhere higher than bare-minimum stick-figure, you SHOULD NOT BE A BRIDESMAID.

That said, I said yes. You see, I hadn't thought any of this through. My dear friend is being married, and she wanted to include me in the wedding party, and I was flattered. I'm going to be a bridesmaid...at WELL over 30...as a married woman...with kids...who weighs more toward the upper end of the reasonable BMI...and will be wearing a strapless short dress that accentuates my Mommy Wings, my cankles, and that huge baby-bearing booty in back. Happy-happy Joy-joy. It's a good thing I love my friend, or I'd back the hell OUT.

And it's a good thing I confessed to my own stupidity on this blog, because maybe you'll avoid my mistake. Learn from me. Old bridesmaids are bad, bad, bad.